The stage is set so let the curtain rise
As for the ending my dear that’s for me to decide
You may think you know the role that I play
You’ll be so surprised when it’s not that way
No more dramatic scenes, only a short goodbye
Now I must find the strength to go
I won’t play the fool anymore
This time I’ll walk out the door
And leave you standing here all alone
This time I’ll find on my own, someone who loves me
- Wild Orchid
Yesterday was April Fool’s Day, and this day always gives me pause. A day where we get free reign to play jokes on our friends and family, and for many years, there were many jokes in which I suppose I played the role of the “fool”- but many of them were not so funny, many times in fact they were cruel. When you grow up having cruel jokes played on you, not only on one day of the year, but many, it is easy to think that this is the way life is supposed to be. For many years I believed I was a fool somehow, I didn’t think I was smart or beautiful, and in turn I began to act clueless on purpose. I was blonde, and I played the blonde card, and acted naive and clueless, or some would say “ditzy” for many years. This is the only way I knew to be, and this is how I received attention. Rarely were my actual thoughts or opinions given voice, they lied dormant deep inside me, I didn’t trust them.
Once I went to college, I began to make new friends, and they listened to what I had to say, and slowly I realized that my thoughts and opinions mattered. It has taken me a while, many years even, to learn to respect my own voice, and trust that my inner voice has something to say and contribute to others. I started this blog so I could give my voice the space it needed, and I have learned that I have a good deal to contribute, and maybe even help those who, like me, have yet to trust their own inner voices and intuitions.
This day is also an anniversary of a significant event in my life. A year ago today I made a choice, and decided to trust my inner voice and intuition. It was a tough choice, because guilt and shame can often pop up and create fear and doubt towards that inner voice. Resulting in internal struggles over what we want, what our instincts tell us is the healthiest thing for us, and what others say and the fear of disappointing other people. In our society today, choosing what is right for ourselves is often seen as the selfish thing to do. When we put ourselves and our needs ahead of others, this is not always celebrated. What I have come to realize though, was when I put others need ahead of my own, I was left drained, unhappy and feeling like the fool. I have begun to choose what is best for me. And once I take care of me, and my needs are met, spiritually and emotionally, then I was able to actually give more of myself to others, those who deserved my effort and energy.
Once I made the choice to let go of the toxic, energy draining relationships, I spent some time rebuilding my energy. This past year I have found myself being more present and giving with my daughter and my husband. I have gotten closer to other family members, and walls have been brought down among family and friends. I also now am giving more of myself to my work, and my life’s goals, and they are flourishing! In addition, I have also found time and energy to join a community group and give myself and my convictions a platform to help my community. Service to others and the earth beyond myself. Truth is, once I started listening to my inner voice, not only was I better off, but my energy has increased and the effect of my positive energies reaches much farther. I stopped playing the fool, giving my energy to those who deserve it rather than those who abuse it, and I am so much better for it. On this anniversary, I choose me, no longer will I play the fool!